Embrace the suck

"Growth is uncomfortable because you’ve never been here before and you’ve never seen this version of you. So give yourself a little grace and breathe through it.” –Kristin Lohr

This new year has not started with a bang when it comes to my photography. Physically I feel great, I feel strong, nothing is amiss. Mentally, I don’t feel as enthused as I have hoped. While I had a wonderful year with my photography last year, perhaps one of the most productive years I had. I do not carry the same level of enthusiasm and I have yet found the direction I would like to go this year. I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to keep my momentum going.

Instead of being harsh on myself, I decide to take a little break. I have been photographing for sixteen years. Photography is such an important part of my life; I learn to ride the highs and lows of the creative process. When I am riding the wave of the high, the work comes without any struggles, it all feels so easy. When I hit those patches of doldrums, I find it a great challenge to get myself out of them. During the periods when I have lost my drive, instead of dwelling on self-blame, I take time to examine what has led me to this feeling of sluggishness.

With this latest struggle, I think the issue is the tremendous change I went through last year with my taste for the type of photography I am interested in. Thanks to Laura Valenti’s guidance from the classes I took from her last year, the photos I like to make has forever changed. When looking back at the work I did last year, I can hardly believe the photographer I once was, especially during the second half of last year, there was this tremendous sea change with the work I produced. I find myself unable to go back to making the same photos I made even just at the beginning of last year. It became clear I had my own voice, a unique vision, it was there all along, I didn’t realize it was there until someone implored me to dig deep and allow that voice to shine. The realization was at once gratifying because I had something genuine inside me that I hold dear, at the same time I felt scared feeling I might have betrayed my trusted path and went on a limb to pursue the unknown, something unproven. At times I feel paralyzed by the doubt of producing work that may not be widely understood and accepted.

After examining the underlying reasons that led to this period of inactivity, I recognize the hesitation I experience is typical of someone with growing pain. When we are trying something outside of our comfort zone, feeling awkward can make us believe we are not cut out for it. We may do as much as possible to minimize our discomfort by not charging ahead, or keeping our minds closed by reverting to the old proven ways of achieving success. Or in the extreme case, we may just quit. Inaction is always an easy way out.

I have found from certain experience in my life embracing the discomfort can turn a negative into a positive experience—a sign that we are on the right path, what seems to be a daunting challenge can open us up to take more risks and strengthen our growth muscle along the way. Seeing discomfort as a sign of progress can be motivating, instead of seeing it as a sign of a problem, embracing it will encourage us to continue to improve on what we do and in turn live a richer life. When I went on the most physically challenging hiking trip with my friends to Brazil despite my initial hesitation in 2019, I had great doubts with my ability to withstand the challenge. That turned out to be a peak experience in my life, and I have forever changed since that trip. My confidence in myself for facing any challenges head on has since grown exponentially. I gave myself an opportunity to grow by embracing the discomfort of training for the occasion and reaching beyond what I perceived I could do by completing the journey.

When you are challenged, you are asked to become more than you were. That means creating new perspectives, acquiring new skills, trying a new genre, and pushing boundaries. Seek out discomfort. Understanding it is all part of the growth process. Look for opportunities to doing things that push your limits. Discomfort is a catalyst for growth. It makes you yearn for something more. It forces you to change, stretch, and continually adapting to the new you.

As the author, Marianne Williamson, put it, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.”